my world

i wish i could articulate everything that i'm feeling, all the actions and events that have resulted in the situation i'm in now. just to analyze and realize what went wrong and how it did and what i could've done better. but there's nothing i can do now and it is stupid to think that i am trying to lay the blame only on myself....two parts to every story right?

i feel like a weak weak weak little girl.

i feel petty and undervalued

i feel lost and alone, even though i know i have family and friends that are behind me 100% the feeling of being alone is still there and its growing

but this is MY WORLD and my specific situation that i am in. i feel like my whole world is falling apart and i don't know how to fix it. i just keep on digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole of despair and sadness and it is HARD

i realize that i am not the only person in the situation i'm in and i know many have overcome and become a better and stronger person as a result of getting over and moving forward. at least i can revel in the fact that at the end of the day i will be stronger and things will get better, hopefully. how can they not? how "rock bottom" can they get?

I am most saddened and disappointed in myself, person i believed myself to be cannot be compared to the person i am now, its just pitiful. the levels of extremes that i go through just to be heard out. it shouldn't be this hard and it shouldn't hurt this much. i feel like i'm just trying to convince myself in believing one thing so i can feel better but the reality of the matter is EVERYTHING IS JACKKKED UP and there is NOTHING MORE i can do about the situation.

the more i fight the more i hurt. the more i listen to my heart and emotions rather than my mind the more i am screwing myself over time and time again.

all i want is for this to be over....i am SICK OF IT

i ate up every word, believed in every promise...i put all of my eggs in one basket and now some mother fuckker stepped on my basket and now all my goddamn eggs are broken and crushed with the yokes and membrane seeping through the weaves of the basket.

its the end of an ERA i feel and now i gotta try and pick myself up and move the hell on. FUCK

=(

. . .

i don't know if im "stressed" or just "unhappy" with life right now. Not because gift is gone, but i seriously feel like there is not enough hours in the day to pursue something meaningful in life.

i also feel like im living in eternal darkness, i literally haven't seen the sun since Saturday.

24 HOURS:

            ~ 8 hours: work

            ~ 8 hours: sleep

            ~ 4 hours: commute to and fro work, shower, bathroom deeds, eating, working out, errands, cleaning  

            ~ 4 hours left for what? kickin it with friends? reading a book? watching tv? finding your self? kicking it with your dog? kicking it with someone you love? catching up with your family? getting spiritually intuned? hobbies?

who ever said there wasn't enough hours in a day was RIGHT.

i hate the pressure of life as each day passes it gets heavier and more intense and there is nothing i can really do about it because come one "everyone feels like this" right? WELL I CAN'T MOVE ANYMORE the PRESSUE IS TOO MUCH, i don't know what my next move should be! i don't want to waste a year of my life doing something that i see no relevant future in.......maybe

i hate that i have to center my life around something i don't love and that it takes up such a big chunk of my day, that i have to center and reshape my sleeping patterns just so i can survive in society. so much wasted effort to try to gain some kind of social establishment/foundation in the world and try to elevate my status in society financially, economically, socially etc and i hate it already. i feel like i'm starting out at the wrong place and i'm losing my competitive edge on life, others around me, on situations that i could be pursing but i just don't know about because i'm stuck....diggining myself deeper into a hole as each day passes

 i hate that i feel like the daily grind is taking away from "the best years of my life," come on...

i'm 22, just graduate from the University of Washington, at an okay job at a world renowned company....my whole life in front of me...the world at my finger tips..etc but here i am i'm too sleepy to do anything fun or spontaneous, my new working hours are so hard on my soul and my body that its stopping me from finding and pursuing something that i could love and do for the rest of my life....

and whose fault is it? my fault right? i want results fast and not putting in the effort, i'm not letting things fall into place, i'm losing motivation and momentum, i'm not taking advantage of opportunities out there, i'm depending on things falling into my lap or getting handed to me....WORSE i don't even know myself!! i don't even know what i want to be or anything close to it.....i'm a creative person i needed to keep my creative juices flowing but if i did something like that it would have the opposite effect on my WALLET! and my dad....my poor dad, he's so proud of where i am at right now! who knows....

maybe these nocturnal hours  are making me depressed or maybe i'm just delirious bc it is 4:53 am sunday morning and i've been working since 9:30 at sat night and when i look out my window i can see the moon and i'm paranoid all night bc i'm like the only person in my office right now and i literally feel like at any moment someone could kill me, like someone is watching me....it is HARD ON MY SOUL AND EMOTIONS AND BLADDER CUZ I DON'T WANT TO PEE.

all i know is that i need relief and security right now that i will be happy in every aspect of my life not just with gift and my friends and family BUT EVERY ASPECT...........and i also know i am really really tired.

i just feel/know that there's more out there....but already i feel stuck and this will be my life 3 years from now 5 years from now.....who knows?! time will fly right passed me and i work day to day, as i live weekend to weekend trying to relinquish the wasted week days by compiling all my surppressed energy into two days of "fun" guaranteed i will be drunk perhaps, but the worst part is i will have to do that on only one day only friday because i work saturday night....how can i save my youth, spontaneity, energy, optimism if it is getting suckked out of me at a steady rate and i am only allotted one full day with my loved ones to let myself go?

the life that i am living right now is not anywhere close to the life that i feel i should be living or the life that resembles me....

i don't want to live life day by day, letting each day pass me by.....

sorry for the ranting i am insanely tired.....i can't wait to get off.